Motherhood: A Perspective

The post partum depressing baby blues have hit me pretty hard after the addition of #4. I need to talk to my doctor about getting on medication but I don't have a primary care physician and I am still sour about my birthing experience so I have no inclination (or time) to go look for one. 

So get ready for an unpopular opinion that I like to think is just the depression talking but I feel the need to get out of my system:

I do not enjoy being a mother. I love my kids. I appreciate their unique personalities but I do not enjoy being their mother.

I told this to JC last night and he responded, "You're a good mother." 

I know that I am a good mother. That is not my concern. I did not say "I am a bad mother." or "I think I'm a bad mother." I SAID, "I do not like being a mom." 

I don't. 

I know that I am good at it. My kids are happy, healthy, smart, well cared for, loved, appreciated, and any other measurable factor that you want to put into what makes a good mother. 

There are aspects of motherhood that I get some pleasure out of: I feel joy when #4 gives me a bright smiles first thing in the morning or when #3 comes running to me with a big smile when he gets up from a nap. I feel pride when I see the older ones create something new. I appreciate the opportunity to share my love of books with them. 

But those are moments. And when you weigh them against all the moments I do not enjoy, they are considerably less. 

Someone this last week told me that "it'll be worth it" - having kids. I've also heard that "this is the time and season". I understand that they mean well but this only diminishes my feelings, makes me feel guilty for how I feel, and adds to my depression. 

Who ever said that the newborn stage is the hardest was wrong. That stage is the easiest because when you decide to have a baby, you are not just having a baby - you are creating a person. That is the hardest part: parenting a baby into an honest, kind, compassionate, and contributing member of society. 

I wish that we could specialize in aspects of parenting. For example: I will take newborn to four years but after that the child is passed onto someone who specializes in four to eight and so on.

The other day I told my sister that I would never wish kids on anyone. I will never tell someone that they should have kids or ask why they don't have kids.

This is not a life I would wish on anyone. 

But on a positive side, if my kids every decide to have kids I will be the most involved grandmother they will let me be because I don't want them to suffer through parenthood the way I am. 

Dipping my toes in the political fray

Over the summer I mentioned a comment to my father-in-law that a republican friend had made about how creating new gun laws would restrict the God given agency to bear arms. My father-in-law frowned slightly, nodded his head, and said "hmphf" in his thoughtful way. After a moment he augmented his response by adding, "Agency is meant to serve others."

My dad, also over the summer, began sharing a podcast he had heard on the idea of redemptive violence. To give a brief generalization, yes - God does permit violence but "most violence, even divinely assisted violence, sows the seeds for future violence." If we want long term results, assertive compassion is more effective. Love is better. 

I used to follow this blogger named Brad McBride back when he used the pseudonym Middle-aged Mormon Man. But with the addition of kids I don't have the time (or desire) to read his lengthy blog posts. He recently posted on how he decided whom to vote for in the 2020 presidential election. Even thought I hadn't followed him in awhile I was interested to see his thought process because I normal find his spiritual insights uplifting and provoking. This post was provoking - but not in an uplifting way. It did, however, provide insight into how a good percentage of my friends and those that I go to church with think. When reading, I felt strongly that he nit picked policies and doctrine that would fall in favor of the sitting president. It is unlikely that he did so with an open mind (whether consciously or not) but rather a desire to justify his choice. To highlight one of the examples of doctrine McBride provided, he wrote:

I can't vote for candidates or a party who feel that the founding of our Nation is illegitimate and immoral, and condones the defaming of those who did that heavy lifting...

...unless I distance myself from the Lord's involvement: "And for this purpose have I established the Constitution in this land, by the hands of wise men whom I raised up unto this very purpose, and redeemed the land by the shedding of blood." (D&C 101:80)

By "heavy lifting" I am certain that he was referring to early white male property holders, not those in the south who actually did, you know, heavy lifting.  

There are several NPR podcasts that I enjoy listening to, one of which is called Hidden Brain. Two of the more recent podcasts that I have particularly appreciated because of how they approach the times we are living in and what I am experiencing in my life were on implicit bias and moral combat. In summary, every one is biased. Understanding that you are biased and recognizing what your bias(es) is/are is important. Moral convictions are important however there are "...intense emotions that accompany them, [a] disinterest in evidence, [a] distrust of authority figures who might challenge them." People will make decisions based on the evidence of their feelings. People will disregard information that contradicts the conviction even if provided with peer-reviewed evidence from a leading expert. 

And I think that sums up American politics. The polarization, the strict moral lines that have been drawn. To compromise or listen to someone with a different conviction is to show weakness. 

In February a man named John Pavlovitz posted an article that summarized my feelings. In 3 Nephi 11:29 it reads: 

For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. 

In Matthew 22:37-39 it reads: 

Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

There is a story in the Book of Mormon about a group of people that called themselves the Anti-Nephi-Lehies. They were a group of people who delighted in war but after learning about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ they decided to bury their weapons in the earth as a symbol of their devotion and change of heart. They recognized that their weapons, for them, would lead to contention. Their love towards their brethren led them to be willing to sacrifice their own lives rather than the life of their enemy. I aspire to have that form of love towards others. The most recent General Conference highlighted the importance of caring for each other and working to be united (despite our differring moral convictions and biases).

And that's how I decided whom to vote for. I picked the candidate that I felt would encourage the most peace, compassion, and understanding of the diverse community we are fortunate to live in.

Tangent (I wasn't sure how to fit this in): I am not much of a socialist but I think it's a better form of economy than capitalist greed. I also feel that many people in the US associate capitalism with democracy - that to have a good democratic government we need capitalism. That is not true. 

Done, Week One

School officially started this last week. It's all online, which considering our present circumstances is good. Had it been in-person I would have continued with homeschooling. My only other experience with online public school is from when the lock-down first happened, this last March through May. I was less than impressed and took advantage of the online resources that were made available because of the lock-down to provide Hulk with a more meaningful scholastic experience. When deciding what to do for this next school year I was optimistic that the previous experience was a result of the suddenness of the stay-at-home order and that since the school system had had all summer to prepare things would be better.

They are and they aren't. Hulk's second grade teacher has spent this last week reviewing letter sounds and numbers. This is frustrating because, by second grade, the majority (if not all) of the students in the class should be reading and doing math. If she wants to review, go over sight words and simple addition/subtraction (like 1+1). So I feel it's a waste of Hulk's time to sit there and sound out letters. He seems bored. There is also a plethora of emails - Hulk has six teachers. His has his regular second grade teacher then there's a teacher for music, gym, art, media, and a counselor. All of these people have assignments for him to do. In some cases he needs to use several different web sources. I feel like he's started college.  But I'm the one that's exhausted from trying to keep track of everything.

Every night we go through this slew of information together to make sure he hasn't missed any assignments, I write down what he needs to do and then he checks it off when finished. For kids who don't have parents or guardians able or willing to do that for them I imagine this online system of schooling is overwhelming. The homework that his teacher gives is too easy for him (he has told me this himself, gleefully, which was his mistake). So when I write out what he needs to do I make it more challenging. For example: instead of writing four sentences about his first week of school, he needs to write six. Instead of listing ten nouns, he needs to list twenty. Etc.

Fortunately school is only three hours a day, though he probably spends about that same amount of time each day doing the homework assignments. Because school is half day (and when he does his homework is flexible) this gives us freedom to do things as a family - like the zoo or museums. I also signed Hulk up for a bunch of free online classes that the Cincinnati Observatory is hosting for kids. Also, his online schooling is only four days a week. This gives an extra day to catch up on homework and I plan to create a special weekly Spanish curriculum for us to do on his off day. So it's not all bad. 

At the end of the week we decided to stay home, slow down, and have a tea party. Viking Girl had been requesting one all week but we'd been too busy with Hulk's school work.

And I'm pretty sure the only reason Hulk came to the party, instead of play with his legos, was for the food ;)