Motherhood: A Perspective

The post partum depressing baby blues have hit me pretty hard after the addition of #4. I need to talk to my doctor about getting on medication but I don't have a primary care physician and I am still sour about my birthing experience so I have no inclination (or time) to go look for one. 

So get ready for an unpopular opinion that I like to think is just the depression talking but I feel the need to get out of my system:

I do not enjoy being a mother. I love my kids. I appreciate their unique personalities but I do not enjoy being their mother.

I told this to JC last night and he responded, "You're a good mother." 

I know that I am a good mother. That is not my concern. I did not say "I am a bad mother." or "I think I'm a bad mother." I SAID, "I do not like being a mom." 

I don't. 

I know that I am good at it. My kids are happy, healthy, smart, well cared for, loved, appreciated, and any other measurable factor that you want to put into what makes a good mother. 

There are aspects of motherhood that I get some pleasure out of: I feel joy when #4 gives me a bright smiles first thing in the morning or when #3 comes running to me with a big smile when he gets up from a nap. I feel pride when I see the older ones create something new. I appreciate the opportunity to share my love of books with them. 

But those are moments. And when you weigh them against all the moments I do not enjoy, they are considerably less. 

Someone this last week told me that "it'll be worth it" - having kids. I've also heard that "this is the time and season". I understand that they mean well but this only diminishes my feelings, makes me feel guilty for how I feel, and adds to my depression. 

Who ever said that the newborn stage is the hardest was wrong. That stage is the easiest because when you decide to have a baby, you are not just having a baby - you are creating a person. That is the hardest part: parenting a baby into an honest, kind, compassionate, and contributing member of society. 

I wish that we could specialize in aspects of parenting. For example: I will take newborn to four years but after that the child is passed onto someone who specializes in four to eight and so on.

The other day I told my sister that I would never wish kids on anyone. I will never tell someone that they should have kids or ask why they don't have kids.

This is not a life I would wish on anyone. 

But on a positive side, if my kids every decide to have kids I will be the most involved grandmother they will let me be because I don't want them to suffer through parenthood the way I am.