I Pressed On

On Friday, November 22nd at 7:45 pm my cousin got into his truck and drove away. He was supposed to be traveling from his home in Sisters, OR to Bend.

Sometime Saturday he was considered a missing person and family and friends rallied to look for him.

Sunday evening he was found deceased from a self-inflicted gun shot wound.

I am grateful that he was found quickly but the 2,000+ miles between me and my family, especially right before Thanksgiving, has left me feeling homesick.

Especially since five years ago, almost to the day, another cousin was shot in the back of the head by her ex-boyfriend.

I hadn't seen my cousin in five years (I think the last time I saw him was at our cousin's funeral before I moved to Ohio). We weren't close growing up, I'm seven years older and while we got along we didn't share many interests. I am closer to his dad, my mom's youngest brother.

I knew he was a kind, sweet, selfless, and thoughtful person. He would go out of his way to help anyone and, at 6'7'', was given the nickname "the gentle giant."

I didn't know that he fought with depression.

My dad's side of my family is much more open about their experiences with depression. Three of my dad's four siblings have been on medication for depression at some point. My dad's youngest brother also committed suicide three years ago. I have cousins that that have been on medication and one cousin who frequently blogs about her depression.

I don't talk about it openly with extended family but I let JC and sometimes my dad know what I am going through a difficult phase with my depression.

I have had suicidal thoughts but I have never been suicidal. I would never actually do it because I don't want my kids to grow up without a mother. But not everyone has that incentive and, in the case of my cousin who blogs, her depression tells her that her kids would be better off without her.

I have a friend on facebook that is the stereotypical "older woman that just shares inspirational memes and cat videos". Lately, the memes she's been sharing have been depression and suicide related. I'm sure the Holy Ghost inspired her to share those because they were things I needed to hear.

One of the memes read, "If you rearrange the letters in DEPRESSION you'll get I PRESSED ON".
There are days where depression just swallows you whole and it feels like there is a physical weight on your chest pressing you down. A few years ago I saw this video where the person described not even being able to get out of bed. That's what depression is.

It isolates you, which only makes it worse.

I don't know how long my cousin was fighting, or the exact nature of his struggle because he never spoke about it. His death came as a shock to everyone who knew him.

It's good to reach out when you are experiencing depression, it's good to talk about it (even though that's the last thing you want to do when depressed).

I am grateful for the atonement of Jesus Christ and the knowledge and testimony I have of the restored gospel. I know that I will see my cousin (and other family members) again. I know that the Lord loves me, even and especially when I don't love myself.